This Aint the Love – Darwin Macon

Posted with permission from Darwin Macon

This Aint the Love (I Signed Up For)
Darwin Macon 2014

I hate to say it but I’m through
I’m sick and tired of being there for you
Seems the only time you call
You’re out there on the edge, ready to fall
I won’t be there to catch you
You’re in the dark so find the light
There will be no one there to guide you
‘cause you won’t find me there this time
From this point you’re on your own
So count me out, ‘cause I’m as good as gone

(Chorus)
This aint the love that I signed up for
Every day we fight a new war
Whose right, whose wrong, what the point in hangin’ on
Here’s your coat and there’s the door (my favorite freaking line)
‘cause this aint the love I signed up for

Once our love was so strong and true
There wasn’t nothing I wouldn’t give for you
But the more I give, the more you take
Till there was nothing left in the heart to break
For so long I’ve kept us afloat
Well sink or swim, ‘cause here’s where I let gooooo

(Chorus)
This aint the love that I signed up for
Every day we fight a new war
Who’s right, who’s wrong, what the point in hangin’ on
Here’s your coat and there’s the door (my favorite freaking line)
‘cause this aint the love I signed up for

I can’t wait for the single to hit the airwaves!!!

Check him out at http://www.darwinmacon.com

 

 

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I haven’t liked the holidays since I was a kid!

Holiday season is upon us. Gerrrr…

Call me Scrooge all you want, but I haven’t been in the holiday spirit since I was a kid and on the receiving end of everyone’s holiday gifts. I know, it is sad. But once I was old enough to live on my own and had to purchase gifts for everyone on my list and visit with everyone so no one would have their feelings hurt, I realized it was all a load of crap. Just the amount of time and money spent to make the majority of your family feel loved is nuts. I mean seriously? If I spent that time/money on you through out the year, wouldn’t that have more meaning? I am not so superficial that I think one must spend money on you to show how much they care, but we are talking about the holidays – you know the 3 months at the end of the year when most Americans spend the most money. FYI – Americans spend $42.3 Billion dollars from Nov.1 – Dec. 31st of 2012 per comscore.com.

So my distaste for the holiday season started about 10 years ago. I was living on my own making $10 an hour and I had about $200 to spend for Christmas. Being the frugal person I am, I knew I had about this much to spend heading into October. When the Halloween decorations came out right after back to school stuff was taken down, I knew to start planing then.  But, by mid-November I knew I wasn’t going to be able to purchase gifts, instead I had to make them. And so that year everyone got a fleece blanket from yours truly. I felt so ashamed because they weren’t that well made and I wasn’t able to buy my family members nice things. I vowed to do better next year. But as the years have gone on I have become disillusioned with the whole idea of Hallmark Holidays, as some people call them. Each year it gets worse. I cringe when I see Halloween stuff of display as early as August because I know I am about to be inundated with Thanksgiving and Christmas crap.

At my house the holidays pass with out much fan-fare. We do have a tree that we put up, but that is only because I think it looks pretty in hour living room. My boys and Husband do get gifts, and I do purchase myself something for them to give me (oh the joys of being a mother in a house full of boys). However, our gifts aren’t extravagant. Mostly needed items with one or two “wishes”.  I am sure my kids think they are getting the bad end of the deal, but I don’t see it that way. We enjoy our time with family and all the food. We have such a blended household that it seems like Thanksgiving takes 2 or 3 days, and Christmas can take almost two full weeks!

I would really like to get back to the basics when it comes to Holidays. Gather around for Thanksgiving and eat until you can not move. Spend time with family and watch some football, if that is what you want to do. Pick a house to visit, do the deed and then head home with way too many left overs. As for Christmas, if you are religious then go all out and do your thing. If you aren’t religious, like my house is, skip the whole darn thing. Christmas is for Christ, not greedy hands. Enjoy the day or two off from work, visit with family if you can, or just relax. Stop making it about how much you spend.

No wonder the youth are they way they are. No one loves them unless the buy them something.

Bah humbug!

 

Exit soap box – left

Life after the big 3-0!

Ok, I’ve been 30 for two months and some days and so much has changed. Not so much because I have crossed over to the other side. More because life happens fast, and I am rarely ever ready. For example, I only work two days a week now. My husband and I made the decision to reduce my hours for several reasons, but mainly to help the cash flow at work. Also, my kids haven’t been around since school let out the first week of June. Neither of these happened because I turned thirty, but because I am thirty I like these new changes!!! Ok, so I didn’t have to live another year longer to enjoy my abundance of free time. But my mental state has helped me to revel in it.

That brings up the things that have changed since that dreaded day back in May. I do feel older thus I am trying to work out more constantly. I was doing good for a while, but some friends from out of state came to visit and I am just now starting to get back into the swing of my new routine. Now that I am thirty I am also more aware of my actions and how they relate to my future and other people’s feelings. I want the next 30 years to be one of joyous memories not only for me but for those around me. I really am trying to change my bitchy attitude, one aggravating moment at a time. Goosefraba, damn it!

All in all, turning 30 has been a pleasant experience. With my new found free time I am keeping the house cleaner, working out and dieting, staying on top of our finances better, and finally learning how to use my camera and Photoshop Elements. Here are a few photos I have been jacking with recently:

ImageImageImage

 

I know, I have a long way to go. But one day at a time is all anyone can ever manage.

I’ve also continued my reflection on my life so far and what I want from it going forward. I realized, just the other day, that I still feel like I am searching for something. I have no idea what it is or why I would still be looking for something. I mean I have all that I have ever wanted (minus a bazillion dollars in the bank), yet I do not fill fulfilled. I am living the American dream  so what gives? Am I destined to search forever? Is that just how life is? Are we all going through life like this? Surely not. I mean I see people all the time who seem satisfied and content. Perhaps this feeling of longing is a private issue so no one shares that info with others, thus me missing the fact that they are like me? So many questions, so few answers. Maybe I should have been a philosopher. They ask questions like this all the time and have very few answers themselves. 😉

THERE IS LIFE AFTER 30, THANK GOODNESS!

{Update}Two Great Losses and The Bionic Pancreas

Yesterday and so far today haven’t been so good. I am mourning the loss of George Jones and Tyler’s CGM. But I did read up on the bionic pancreas so all hope is not lost. I hope!

When I got home from work yesterday the first words out of my son’s mouth is that he lost his CGM. I was stunned and immediately upset (crying upset, not mad upset). I wasn’t mad at him because it is just a “thing” and he is always so responsible with things of this nature. I had him search for it over and over. I called the transportation department to see if someone saw it laying around on the bus. I left a message at the school (they still haven’t called back). He thinks it will turn up and school, but I know deep down that it is gone forever. I know he didn’t lose it on purpose. And I know he feels terrible. But I am still just so sad. He did only lose a “thing”, but that “thing” gave me peace of mind. That is something I haven’t had in almost 5 years. It is amazing how quickly I got used to having it on my night stand. How soundly I slept knowing it would wake me up if their was an issue. But all will work out in the end. If it doesn’t show up then I will look into replacing it. It wont be cheap, but my peace of mind is worth it.

This morning, while I was wallowing in my own self pitty for not having the CGM crutch, I stumbled upon an article about a lady named Anna who just completed a Bionic Pancreas study, in which she was a test subject. She let the Bionic Pancreas do all the thinking, calculating, and dosing for her for 5 whole days! What a wonderful 5 day it must have been. You can read about her journey here, and more about the study/trial here. I haven’t been a fan of an artificial pancreas at all until now. I would like for the research to focus on a cure instead of treatments. But as I read Anna’s blog and the article I thought of my son. I thought about how happy and normal he would feel if he could just eat what he wants, when he wants. How he would love to just get up and head outside to do whatever, with out having to check his blood sugar. I am sure he feels the same as Anna and would be fine with all kids of “sites” on his body, if it meant he could focus his energy elsewhere and not on maintaining and correcting his blood sugar. Diabetes is constantly at the forefront of our thoughts, 24/7 – no breaks – EVER! Those thoughts made me change my perspective on diabetes research. Maybe a closed loop system wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Last but definitely not least. Mr. George Jones passed today. He is a legend and will be sorely missed. I have listened to his music all my life. George Strait is my favorite, but Mr. Jones’ voice was the only other male voice I would recognize on the radio as a child. I learned at a very early age that the tone of his voice and the lyrics of his songs where not made up, but were reflections of his real life. You could hear the pain and suffering in his voice. I often wondered why his life was the mess it was or seemed to be. I wondered if he was ever going to know inner peace (I am sure those are not the words I used as a child). I hope he now has the peace he seemed to need, if he hadn’t found it here on earth. I will not stop loving him today, but I do wonder who’s gonna fill his shoes.

{Update 4/27/13} Tyler’s monitor was returned to him by his bus driver. Bless Her!!!

Parents of chil…

Parents of children with Type 1 diabetes are extremely susceptible to burnout due to sleep deprivation and constant worry.

The quote above is from KC & Co and her thoughts on T1 burnout. She really hit the nail on the head there. I mean, I don’t even have T1 but I feel so worn out from it. I look forward to the day when my T1 son is ready to move out and I can sleep through the night. Or so I think. I am sure it will take me a long time to sleep through the night. I will constantly fight the urge to call and check on him. To call him non-stop around 3 am to remind him to take a night time reading. You know…. just incase! I am sure my son is looking forward to me letting go and letting him live as he wishes.

I am not sure which keeps us caretakers awake more, the worry or the actually low blood sugar. We dread the late night low, but when it doesn’t happen we just sit and wait. We know it will happen eventually, we just arn’t sure if tonight is the night.

I often times wish that I had the disease instead of my son. But sometimes I feel like I do, just minus all the finger pokes. I am sure he would diasgree, because he does have it way worse than I do. He is so inspiring, because he really does take it in stride. And bless him for talking to anyone who will listen to him rattle on about T1.

Diabetes sucks!

But my son rocks!!!

Book Remark: If I Were You by Lisa Renee Jones

I am calling this a book remark because I am not going to review the book. Instead I am going to give you some advice. DON’T READ IT UNTIL ALL 3 BOOKS ARE RELEASED. This book is awesome and I like it better than Fifty Shades of Grey. I am not sure I understand why I like it better, just yet. But I do. But now that I have read the first book in this trilogy I am going to have to wait for the next installment. I am going to start banging my head against the wall……now. Maybe I will knock myself out until the final book arrives in September. SEPTEMBER…. REALLY?!?!? I am incapable of waiting, I really am.

Great book, but be ready to have to wait.

I’m a parent for real!

Soooo, this past weekend was an eye opener of sorts or me. I had a couple “oh-my-gosh-I’m-a-mom” moments. First, on Friday my youngest son had an art show to attend. It was really neat, actually. The teacher had it set up like a real art gallery showing with art work displayed, music from the school jazz band, and even snacks! I was very proud standing next to my baby. His Dad and I talked about how weird it was to have teenage children when we are just barely 30 (I’m still 29 for a few more weeks). As his father and I visit my eldest son comes and taps me on my shoulder. I turn around and there he is with this beautiful young lady by his side. He introduces me to her and I am sure the look on my face was priceless. It went from who is this chick? To oh, her! I finally get to meet her. This girl has been a good friend of his for a few years now, but he wants to date her. He is stuck in the friend zone, poor guy. So I start asking her general questions like if she had art work in the show and she was so polite and kept calling me ma’am. My youngest son’s father started to crack a smile and pointed out the ma’am reference. I told her she really didn’t need to call me ma’am. So she replied, “ok, ma’am.” Really?!?! So there I was in the middle of an 8th grade art show having my “oh-my-gosh-I’m-a-mom” moment, ex laughing at me, oldest son wanting to run from me, and (thankfully) the youngest son talking to folks about his art work. I am pretty sure the room started to spin but I am not sure I remember the rest of the evening.

Then came Sunday……

Sundays will never be the same for me……. EVER!

On Sunday my youngest son calls to start coordinating his returning home from his Dad’s. He isn’t good at being the middle man on phone conversations so he hands the phone to his Dad. We iron the details and I am about to hang up when he tells me he has something else he wanted to “just let me know.” My ex and I get along fine so I was sure it wasn’t anything we would argue about so I tell him to go ahead. He informs me that he had busted my baby with porn. SAY WHAT? He explains the whole story to me and I don’t say anything. He repeats it again, two more times, and all I can say is, “ok, got it.” I hang up the phone and look at my husband and oldest son for a second and then return to trying to teach myself to knit. They both ask what is up and I just tell them I’ll tell ya later. When I get to the meeting point to switch off my son, his father apologized profusely for just rambling on. I tell him no need, I was just in shock and couldn’t form a sentence. I am sure I didn’t do a good job of explaining myself, nor am I doing the story justice on here, but I am still in shock. I mean I knew it was coming, but a parent is never really ready. On the way home my son and I talked about it. He says it is easier to talk to me about this stuff, which made me feel good. He says I have a way of making an embarrassing situation laughable. Score one for Mom! I tried to give him some advice on the situation, as best I could. We will see how it goes.

On a side note, I seemed to have picked up knitting at the right time. I associate knitting with older folks and originally thought I would look ridiculous knitting. I don’t think that anymore, or maybe I have come to terms with getting older? Heck I don’t know. All I do know is that my kids are growing up and I should start acting like an old lady with grown up kids.

 

Augh! Never did I think I would have things like this happen to me when I am only 29!!!! Can I go back to my 21st birthday and just hit the repeat button? Please, I promise I’ll be a good girl.

My next 30 years…

So my Dirty-30 birthday is fast approaching. Yeah, I am totally thrilled…. let me just tell you.

After spending a fantastic week on the beach for my bestie’s 30th I started to do a little life-reflecting. I started asking myself questions like, am I where I wanted to be at this point in life? As always the answer is, I dunno. I have asked myself where am I headed, and I dunno that either! Of course the usual stuff comes to mind, like I want my kids to grow up and be functional adults. I want my husband’s business to succeed. I am sure I will be dedicated to those two tasks for the next several years. However, I have no direction outside of that. You see, these I dunno answers aren’t new to me. That is because I really had no plans past getting to the age of 21. And even though I ask myself every year if I am where I wanted to be, I still give no thought as to what the future has in store for me. In fact I try not to make any plans past the coming weekend. I sound like I really have it together, don’t I?

I want to change this little fact about myself, starting now! In order to do this I feel that I should first make sure I have come to terms with my past and have a clear vision of where I have been.

So, to make sure I have a good grasp on my past I list what I see as milestones in my frist 29 years. I will start at the age of 18 since that is when life really starts to come at you fast. Plus learning to walk, talk and all that jazz is pretty standard.

  • Graduated High School – wasn’t sure that would actually happen at one point.
  • Graduated College – the first in my family to do so.
  • Moved out on my own – at the age of 20 and I haven’t had to move back in so far!!!
  • Turned 21 – I really didn’t drink but a handful of times before I become of age. Promise.
  • Purchased first motorcycle at age 24.
  • 7/7/08 – Tyler Diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
  • Married at age 25
  • Purchased first house at age 26.
  • Helped Husband start his first business at age 27.
  • Promoted to Manager at my day job at age 27.
  • Quit day job to work with Huband less-than-full time at age 29.
  • Took my first international trip at age 29.

Not too shabby, considering! Ok, so now I know that I have been sucesful this past decade by accomplishing goals I set as a child. Being the first in my family to graduate college was a goal of mine since middle school. Obviously in my formative years I was capable of making decision for my future. Why can’t I do that now? Why were buying a house and starting a business not part of a plan? Well, now that I think about it, those might have been “on a whim” ideas but they did require plotting and planning. We saved for about six months to buy our house. Starting a business never happens over night. My husband did act on his idea almost immediately, we did have to plan certain things out. We had to rearrange quite a bit to make that happen and are still doing so two years later.

See I knew this list idea would help me! I know now that I do actually plan things out. So maybe my problem is that I just don’t have a life plan. But since I am in the listing mood, how about I still start my “Next 30 Years” list. I don’t want to call it a bucket list because that makes me feel like I am giving in to the fact that we all die at some point. I am still too young to worry about death, even though I know it is inevitable. Next 30 Years sound less grim. So here goes nothing.

My Next 30 Years – TO DO

  • Visit all note-worthy dance halls and honkey tonks in Texas. Maybe even a few less note-worthy joints too.
  • Go to see at least one concert on the last leg of George Strait’s final tour.
  • Visit Australia
  • Take my boys to see:
    • The Grand Canyon
    • Snow in Montana
    • The Ocean
  • Watch my boys grown into men – and hopefully graduate high school and maybe college (and Mom always has hope)
  • Go parasailing
  • Watch the sun set and see the green flash at sunset
  • Visit something related to Pricness Diana
  • MEET GEORGE STRAIT – there goes that hope again 😉
  • Have my youngest son give me away at my wedding
  • See a real cure for Diabetes

I think this is a good start! How about you, do you have a “bucket list”?

Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) Love / Love-Not-So-Much

My youngest son, Tyler, has been using his Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) for about a month now. I have stated before that I love it. I still love it, but some times not so much.

I love the fact that I can “peak in” on his blood sugar levels without having him poke his finger.

I love that it lets him know he should check his blood sugar because his levels are either too high or too low.

I love that I can keep the receiver in my room at night and it will alert me for the same reasons. This way he can stay a sleep and not be bothered by it.

I love that it will keep alerting me until I do something about his sugar levels.

I ultimately love the peace of mind it affords and the tighter control we have on Tyler’s glucose levels.

But some times it makes me no so happy…..

I don’t like it when it alerts that his blood sugar is low/high when in fact it is the opposite.

I don’t like it when it alerts me all night long, even though I know it is only doing its job and the real problem is I can’t get Tyler’s glucose in range for whatever reason.

I don’t like that he has to have another device stuck on him and the he has to carry around another electronic device. He already has to carry his pump and meter with him all the time.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, this new tool will keep his numbers under better control. I know that this tool is helping him with his “Duh – I’m a teenager” moments, and me with my “diabetic care team blues”. It is just too much info at times.

DIABETES SUCKS

Don’t let my little rant discourage you from trying out this new tool. It really has changed our lives for the better. I do sleep better at night, when it isn’t alarming. The alarming is a good thing. It is letting you know there is an issue that needs to be resolved.

Any advice on raising a teenage boy with T1 diabetes? Or experiences with CGMs that you would like to share?

Cowboy Rides Away

Sigh. I have been wanting to write this post since I purchase my tickets to George Strait’s “Cowboy Rides Away” tour stop in Houston. I knew this would be a historic moment and it was. I knew I would get upset and I did. I knew I would want to write about it and I do. However, I am finding it very difficult to put my feelings into words and onto paper (virtual paper, whatever). I will do my best…. here goes nothing!

I remember the day I read the headline about George having a press conference. It sounded strange, as I hadn’t heard of him doing this before. I immediately expected the worst and knew deep down in my bones that the ending of an era was immanent. I hate it when I am right, some times. I tuned into the live press conference via the internet. I sat there in shock as I listened to what was said. I was shocked to hear the announcement, even though I knew it was coming. George has been singing longer than I have been alive and nothing can last forever. Troubadour   was my first clue. Then came  I Will Always Remember You. That one just about did me in. I still have a hard time listening to it. So I saw the proverbial writing on the wall, but I still didn’t want to hear the words that came from George’s mouth.

As soon as the press conference was over I headed strait over to George’s website and purchased my first ever fan club membership. Why I never did it before now I’ll never know, and I am kicking myself in the arse for my mistake. I purchased the membership for a couple of reasons. 1. I wanted anything GS related during his last tour. 2. I wanted to be able to purchase tickets before the general public. I knew this would be the hottest ticket in town for the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo. Heck, it would have been the hottest ticket in town with out the rodeo being involved. FYI there was no rodeo that night, the floor of the stadium was filled with seats. After I purchased the tickets for my bestie and I, I felt a little better. I would actually get to see him at least one more time. (the cities and dates have not been released for the second leg of his final tour – so I might get to see him one more time, good lord willing)

Lucky for me I had lots going on from the time of purchase until the day of the concert. I would have gone nuts in anticipation, had I not. Finally the day of the concert was upon us! I was so consumed with the importance of seeing George one more time that I failed to notice that the concert was on St. Patty’s Day. A few days before, my bestie told me to wear green to the concert. I looked at her and told her I already was. I didn’t understand her reason for the order but I didn’t question it. The morning of the concert I noticed why it was important I wear green. It was a real DUH moment for me. Since I am still in my twenties (for a few more weeks, at least) it was imperative that we take in the day’s festivities….. so we did….

St-Pattys-Day-Celebration

Before we made it to this particular part of our day we stopped at Torchy’s Tacos and look, we were blessed with more green stuffs…..

Brushfire

Aside from spending five minutes with the King himself, that there is pure heaven. You see that little container of orangy-red stuff. That is called diablo sauce, for a reason. It took a few days for my insides to recover from that container! But like I said, it was pure heaven consuming that darn taco.

After we ate and partook in St. Patty’s Day we made our way to the stadium. We were giddy with excitement and I am sure we looked and acted like little school girls….. but we didn’t care. We were a little late to the show, but several thousand others were too. There was a mob of people on the ramps. But the funny part is that as soon as we got to our floor and got in line for drinks, we looked out and there wasn’t a sole on the ramps. Great minds think a like, I guess. So we purchased our drinks and headed to our seat to see Martina McBride sing (Randy Rogers Band was on first and already off the stage by the time we made it inside). Martina is a lovely singer and really belted out the tunes. I like her and all but I was there to see one person and one person only, so she needed to exit the stage with a quickness. Once she was gone, the stage had been readied for the Ace in the Hole Band the lights dimmed and the stadium became electrified. I can still feel it now, it was almost un-containable.

View-from-seats

The announcer did his job and ushered in the man of the evening, King George Strait….

here-comes-the-king

God I love the was he just saunters around like he is at total easy and in no hurry at all. Maybe that is just how he is.

George played for two full hours. Two glorious hours. He sang songs I haven’t heard live since the late 80’s. My Mother would say he sang songs I was born singing. I can’t remember the last time I was able to sing along with Live George to 80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper, and A Fire I Can’t Put Out. I was transferred back in time to when I first realized how much I truly loved George’s music. I was 4, maybe 5, and I had received a tape player and his Ocean Front Property album for my birthday (my first on both accounts). I am still so grateful that Gloria gifted me those items so long ago. I would sit in my Great-Grandma’s drive way, in a lawn chair and listen to that tape over and over again. I was also reminded of the memory of me watching TV, at my Great-Grandma’s house, and a music video came on. I didn’t know it was a music video at the time, as it was the first one I ever saw. The song was new on the radio and I wasn’t positive  that I knew who sang it at the time. The voice was familiar, then again I thought every male singer was George back then. But then I saw THE HAT, and I knew. I could pick out his Resistol hat a mile away, even at that age. The video was Baby’s Gotten Good at Goodbye.

Singing-Angled

Oh how the memories kept flooding in with each song. I was reminded of various stages in my life. It was so neat how I could be taken back to an exact point in time and relive it while he was up there singing. To say the least I was in heaven for those two hours. Well almost. He burst my happy bubble when he played I’ll Always Remember You. The tears started and their was no stopping them. For a moment I was reminded of the dreaded future. The future with no more live George. But when he came back for his encore I was back in my bubble and able to keep my tears at bay. I stood, well the entire stadium stood on its feet for the entire encore. The crowd went absolutely bonkers when he sang All My Ex’s Live in Texas, as they should. We are a proud group of people, us Texans. 😉 But like all good things, the concert came to and end. Of course he sang The Cowboy Rides Away. He has sung this song at the conclusion of most of the concerts I have been to, but this time it was different. For all of us.

His goodbye definitely hit me in the heart. I have been quite down and out since the show. Pandora isn’t making it any better. I have my Sawyer Brown station playing but I swear it is playing more George than normal. Maybe it is because George knows I am sad and is sending his voodoo to Pandora and making them play his songs for me. But more than likely it is just me being a bit more sensitive to his music right now. Either way, I really am not complaining. The more George the merrier! It is a love with out end, Amen!

Anyhoot, the show was amazing and I am truely bless to have seen it. I highly recommend anyone and everyone to try to get to go see history in the making.

I should dry my tears and remenance in my memories of George…… until next time!

Psssst….. how many lyric/song titiles/quotes did I through into this post? Anyone……anyone…..